Random Madness
by Ripperette
Summary: The chemicals in Jeff's hair dye make him and Christian think they're different superstars! P. 4 is up, but it was rushed...hopefully, P. 5 will be better!
1. Backstage

Random Madness  
By The Ripperette  
  
  
*******NOTES******  
  
This is set up as if there were NO roster split. It's just easier for me to incorporate every one I like that way, without having it make no sense. But Raven is just banned from both shows, now. Lita hasn't gotten her neck injury, and we'll just pretend that Rhyno's neck is all better, now!  
  
  
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In the Hardy Boyz's Locker Room....  
  
  
  
Jeff: (putting hair-dye in) uhh...blue and yellow is green, sooo.... (Picks up two bottles, but doesn't know which two, because he's watching his hair in the mirror) And about....oh, I'll just use the entire two bottles! (Squirts a bunch of hair dye in, not realizing he took white and red, thus creating...) AAAAHHH! PINK?! NOOOOO000000oooo....  
  
Matt: (falls out of closet with Lita, with a bunch of weird clothing that the Hardy Boyz wear all over him, but not wearing much of it) Jeff! What the hell are you doing?  
  
Jeff: I turned my hair pink! How am I supposed to go on TV if my hair is PINK?  
  
Lita: Err...I think I broke my neck...should I be in this fan fic?  
  
Matt: Well, D-Lo should REALISTICLY have no career, but he's on Heat.  
  
Jeff: All the people with no career go to Heat! Look at Raven and Stasiak! For crying out loud, it's co-hosted by D-Lo! Now, WHAT ABOUT MY HAIR?  
  
Matt: (laughing a little) Well, Jeff, unless the show decides not to air today, I guess you'll have to do it... we're against Billy and Chuck, so be ready!  
  
Jeff: ...stop the show? Matt, you're a genius! (Hugs Matt and runs out of the room)  
  
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In a random hall...  
  
  
  
Lance: So, the best way to do this is through Smackdown, I'm telling you!  
  
Christian: Yeah, but if the big stars go to RAW, then we should too!   
  
Test: What are you guys fighting aboot now?  
  
Lance: Which show would be better suited to our Anti-American...ness.  
  
Christian: Yeah, *I* say we should go to Raw. But Lance says we should stay on Smackdown...  
  
(Jeff suddenly runs into Christian, knocking both of them for a loop, and falling over)  
  
Test: (screams and jumps into Lance's arms, ala Scooby Doo and Shaggy)  
  
Lance: Zoinks! Err... (Drops Test unceremoniously onto the floor) What do you think you're doing, American?!  
  
Jeff: (scrambles to his feet, placing his hand on his hips) Where's the production crew, you dastardly Canadians?!?!  
  
Christian: ...... (Sits up suddenly) Boy, you better be able to explain why you just did that!  
  
Lance and Test: ...?  
  
Jeff: (stands high, thrusting one fist into the air) I must stop this villainous show from airing on national television! (Spins around and then runs off, making a shwoosh noise)  
  
Lance: ...that was...ummm... (Looks at Test)  
  
Test: What was that all aboot?  
  
Christian: (stands up, sniffing a little and scratching the front of his neck, causing his fellow Canadians to stare oddly at him, then says in a slight Texas accent) Boy, you ain't showin' me a lotta respect. I don't like that. Do I gotta beat your punk ass?!  
  
Lance: ...why are you acting like the Undertaker?  
  
Test: Why was that Hardly Boy acting like the Hurri-dork?  
  
(They both fall silent, and look at Christian)  
  
Christian: ..? Why you eye-ballin' me?! Where's my bike at?  
  
Test: ...at least he's not Billy or Chuck.  
  
Lance: (smacks Test in the back of the head) You FOOL! If he thinks he's The Undertaker that means he thinks he's the AMERICAN Badass! WE'RE SHORT A CANADIAN!   
  
Test: Well, that's simple enough to fix... (Taps Christian's shoulder, and as he turns around, big boots him in the head)  
  
Christian: Augh! (Falls down, and then twitches)  
  
Lance: You idiot! What if that just makes him into a vegetable?  
  
Test: ...maybe he's a Canadian vegetable?  
  
Christian: (sits up, giving them a disdainful look) Just WHO do you think you are?!  
  
Lance: Phew... sounds normal enough!  
  
Test: Yup, that sounds like Christian!  
  
Christian: I'm larger than life, dammit!  
  
Test and Lance: Uh oh...  
  
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In the dark side of the arena...  
  
  
  
Raven: ...and that's where YOU come in! You can help me back onto the two main shows, Raw and Smackdown! The two of us would be unstoppable! ...whaddaya say?'  
  
Rhyno: Why would I help you? I don't even like you. I'd rather lick a cactus!  
  
Raven: Because...umm...you'd help because...licking a cactus would really hurt?  
  
Rhyno: ...I rest my case. Find someone else to pawn into helping you. (Walks off)  
  
Raven: NO, please come back here! Help a friend! I want TV time! I want my Hardcore title! I..... (Rhyno tugs away from Raven, and quickly walks off)...I think I need a hug...  
  
Jeff: (enters the scene, making a shwoosh noise. Somehow, his hair is pastel-colored and rainbow streaked) Fear not, dark, evil citizen Raven! I see you have noted the evil of your ways! I, The Rainbow Hurricane, will hug you!  
  
Raven: (Holding Jeff at arms distance, and probably more if he could) Whoa! Not with a name like that, you're not!   
(Pauses, smelling the air) Augh! (Pushes Jeff away, covering his nose) God...you smell like a bunch of chemicals! How much hair dye are you wearing!!  
  
Jeff: I know not what you mean, Citizen Raven! (Is suddenly hit from behind, with a chair, by Lance Storm)  
  
Lance: Alright, you Backstreet Boy! What have you done to Christian, and how do we reverse it?!  
  
Test: And how do we get rid of that damn chemical smell? It's all aroond that stoopid arena, eh?  
  
Christian: (skips around like Brock Lesner, most likely attempting to flex his neck muscles, but his neck isn't as big as Lesnar's) ...*grunt*....  
  
Lance: We've hit him in the head countless times, and he still thinks he's some else! How are we supposed to defend the tag team titles?!  
  
Raven: Huh? Wait!!! Utilizing my high IQ, I might be able to tell you what's wrong!!!  
  
Jeff: (sits up, and eyes Lance Storm. He is stared at by Test, Lance and Raven. Jeff tilts his head to the side, widening his eyes and points at them) ...who... (Starts talking very loudly for no reason) IN THE BLUE HELL ARE YOU?!  
  
Raven: (snatches a tube of hair dye from Jeff, and looks at its ingredients) My God! No wonder! This thing is filled with weird drugs! They've probably inhaled them too much, and getting hit in the head has just made it worse!  
  
Test: Oh, well, at least not everyone will get his in the head tonight...  
  
Lance and Raven: Test, you FOOL!  
  
(Jeff and Christian continue to stare each other down, thinking they are each other's opponent at Summerslam)  
  
Lance: Of COURSE some other people are going to get hit in the head! We're wrestlers!!  
  
Raven: And you said that smell is all over the arena?  
  
(Dramatic sting music is played in the background, as all of them look around, wondering where it came from)  
  
Lance: We need to cancel the show!  
  
Jeff: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa - WHOA!! That's exactly The Rock's point!! We...need to cancel the show, so no one... AND THE ROCK MEANS, NO ONE! Sees the Rock with pastel hair!! I look like the view of a cotton candy booth from a kid on an out of control carousel! IF YA SUH-MEEEELLLLLALALALLALALLALLL! What THE ROCK!  
(Looks at camera) ...is cooking'!  
  
Christian: *grunt*  
  
TO BE CONTINUED????  
  
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I'll betcha I'd really like to continue this story if you nice people reviewed it! Anything you'd like to see? I'll put in requests or suggestions, if they're good! Who should Jeff and Christian think they are next? Oh, my God, business is really picking up! Stick around for part two! 


	2. Backstage - Pt. 2

Random Madness  
By The Ripperette  
  
  
*******NOTES******  
  
My good Lord, what a lot of requests to make two attractive grown men act like women! I tried to squeeze in just about everything...Well, here it goes - part two! I hope it's long enough for all of ya!  
  
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In the backstage area....  
  
  
  
Test: (hidden from view) This is a dumb plan, eh?  
  
Lance: (also hidden) Shh!  
  
Jeff: (hidden) Now, I say this - we bring the whuppin', you bring the ass!!!  
  
Raven: (hiding) QUIET! I'm sure if we word this the right way, we'll be just fine...  
  
Christian: (following them as they all walk up to the locker room labeled 'Billy and Chuck') *grunt*  
  
Test: WAIT!   
  
(Everyone looks at Test)  
  
Test: I've just aboot had it with Lesnar! (whaps Christian on the back of the head)  
  
Raven: You fool! We don't know who he'll be next!!!  
  
Lance: We don't have time for this! I'm going in there!  
  
(Lance busts into Billy and Chuck's locker room, where Rico is busy helping them tighten their headbands)  
  
Rico: *SHRIEK* My god! Don't you knock?!  
  
Billy and Chuck: *SHRIEK*  
  
Lance: We need a base of operations an a place to hide Raven! Will you help?  
  
Rico: *GASP!* My god! You do need our help! (runs past Lance straight to Jeff) Your hair is absolutely HORRID!!!  
  
Jeff: Who...in the BLUE-EST of blue HELLS...are YOU?!  
  
Rico: Oh, you silly boy! (whaps Jeff playfully on the head) I'm Rico, the stylist!! Hmm...I think we should wash out the dye!  
  
Jeff: (Slowly drags hands up along mid-section, and inhales deeply through puckered lips) Very well!   
  
Christian: (Follows, staring at right hand) When did I turn white, sucka?! (continues to stare at hand, and acts as though he's doing all the spin-a-roonie stuff) SUCKAAAAAA!! (attempts to do spin-a-roonie, but ends up oddly positioned on his houlders, like a bent accordion) ...tell me I did not just do that!!  
  
Rico: ...there's something you're not telling us...isn't there?   
  
Lance: ...y'know, just watch Christan and Jeff, we'll take Raven with us...(Lance, Test and Raven begin to walk out)  
  
Raven: (under breath to Lance) Thank you!!  
  
Lance: No problem. Now, how would we shut down the show?   
  
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Outside the arena as fans arrive...  
  
Lance: That's right! It's been cancelled, you lousy Americans!! (points at a group of teenage fans) Go home!!  
  
Raven: (glares at some fans who yell obscene things at the all-heel Showstoppas [no pun intended]) It's no use! They won't listen to us because we're heavily disliked by them!!  
  
Test: What's that all aboot?  
  
Lance: Well, it's not like we can get any babyfaces to help us out. They hate us all! We're all heels!  
  
Raven: Jeff's a babyface.  
  
Test: But he's all crazy...and it still smells like that damn hair coloring oot here...   
  
Amy: Hey, Ray-ray! There's Test, he's the one that glared at us out of that truck at our first WWE House show!!  
  
(The two bitter, angry fans hurl their popcorn at Test, who takes the hit in the head)  
  
Lance: NOOO! (Is stared at by all the fans) Not Test! (Points at the two fan girls) LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE!!  
  
Raven: Oh, God!  
  
Amy: Heyy, it's Raven!! Can you autograph my sign?  
  
Raven: Umm...sure, I guess! (Whips a marker out of his jacket pocket and scribbles his autograph on the sign, takes a pic with the fans and looks back at Lance and Test) It's been ages since fans aproached me! (Smiles happily)  
  
Test: (smacks Raven upside the head) HOW DO YOU LIKE ME NOW?!  
  
Lance: NO! He thinks he's Hardcore Holly!! And he hit Raven!! (Cups Raven's face in his hands) Say something, Raven! Say something that's so evil, sarcastic, hating and cynical that only you would say it!!  
  
Raven: (Stands up, and poses all sultry-like) Hello, ladies!  
  
Lance: ...close enough. Come on, we need to stop Smackdown from airing!  
  
Test: (points at fans) How do you like me now?! (Follows Lance alongside Raven)  
  
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Back in the arena...  
  
Lance: Okay, we're back, Rico! (Pause) ...where's Jeff and Christian?  
  
Rico: Oh, well, it's sort of funny! They started playing truth or dare with Billy and Chuck, but they got in a big hissy-fight!  
  
Lance: ...they didn't... hit each other in the head,. did they?  
  
Rico: (thinks) Now that you mention it, I believe that Billy got really mad at Jeff! You know how he is with his temper, I keep saying, if you stress out, you'll wrinkle, but does he listen, Nooo -   
  
Lance: HE HIT HIM IN THE HEAD?!  
  
Rico: Oh...well, yeah.  
  
Raven: (Suddenly slides in, wearing nothing but a towel [to our knowledge]) Heelloooo, Ladies!!  
  
Rico: Umm...anyway, then he left, after hitting Christian in the head, and he got real mad at him, then he speared him! Come to think of it, he was acting a bit like Edge! Christian was acting like his normal self, but then he got hit in the head AGAIN, and started acting all funny. Then, he hit Jeff..and..um...(fidgets)  
  
Lance: (Whaps Test in the head, as he started to give him the 'Hardcore Holly' glare) And..?  
  
Rico: ...um...I think they got in a cat fight...over whose hair was better...then...uh...(squirms a bit)...then they challenged each other to a bra and panties match.  
  
Lance: WHAT!??!!  
  
Raven: Ooo...bra and panties...  
  
Lance: (Inadvertantly hits Raven) Well, at least the show hasn't started...(looks at the clock, then face faulters) OH MY GOd! The show started five minutes ago!! We're doomed!!  
  
Rico: Yes...and they already got the match cleared with Stephy, too. I believe they're up next.  
  
Lance: Oh, god...we've failed!! We can't let the matches go on though, or more people will be afflicted.  
  
Test: What's that all aboot?  
  
Raven: (glares spitefully)  
  
Lance: ...wait...you're acting normal! (pause) ...it doesn't smell like Jeff's hair dye in here! (looks at Rico, who is spraying hair spray in his hair... that was a little redunant) ...what is that?!  
  
Rico: ...um (looks at the three timidly) ...hair spray?  
  
Raven: (holding up towel) It seems to have a curing effect on the affliction with Jeff's hair dye. Has anyone seen my skirt? I seem to be in a towel...  
  
Test: (Starts giggling)   
  
Lance: What's so funny, Test?  
  
Test: Check this out!  
  
(All of them look at the TV minotor, where Jeff is standing, humiliated and looking somewhat confused, in the middle of the ring, and Christian is walking poudly up the ramp. The audience looks somewhat stunned, as Jeff is in a red set of bra and panties, and Christian walks up the ramp, one hand on his hip, in a bra and a pair of pleather flares)  
  
Tazz: (Commentary from monitor) Well, uh, Cole, dat was...interesting!  
  
MC: (Commentary from monitor [quietly]) I wish I was that honest about my sexuality...*AHEM!* Well, If I didn't know any better, um...I'd say Christian thinks he's Stacy Keibler, and that Jeff is Torrie.  
  
Tazz: (Commentary from monitor) I tink it's da other way around, judging from Jeff's promo at Christian, sayin' how he shoulda won da Golden Thong award! I think you shoulda won, Cole! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!   
  
Lance: (Stares, mortified, at TV) ..what have we unleashed?!  
  
Raven: I think we should find Christian before he hits on Billy Kidman.  
  
Lance: That's right! (to no one in particular, but presumably meant towards Christian) I'm coming, my fellow Canadian warrior! Stay strong! (snatches Rico's hair spray)  
  
(All three of them run out. leaving behind a very confused Rico, Billy and Chuck)  
  
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In yet another hallway...  
  
Raven: (runs around corner, in his skirt and jacket outfit once again) ARGH! Don't hit me! I don't wanna be Val Venis again!  
  
Christian: (chases him, raising a hight heeled shoe threateningly above his head, and talking in a whiny girly voice, still in flared pants and bra) Come back here, you perv! How DARE you come into my locker room without knocking!   
  
Lance: GIVE CHRISTIAN BACK, YOU FIEND SPAWNED OF HAIR DYE CHEMICALS AND ONE TOO MANY HITS TO THE HEAD!! (Super Kicks Christian)  
  
(Christian falls back, reeling from the force of the kick, landing sprawled out on his back. All of his would-be rescuers lean over him, waiting for some sign of movement. He slowly sits up, rubbing the back of his head)  
  
Chrisitian: Uhh...huh? (looks down at himself, and looks suddenly mortified) WHAT IS THIS?! (Stands up, and slaps Test right in the face, since he was closest) YOU PERVERT! How dare you try and catch a glimpse of my virgin body...whiile I am in my UNDERCLOTHES?! I'm far too *pure* and *wholesome* for that! (quickly tries to cover his body with his arms)  
  
Test: ARAARRRAAARRGH!! (Hits Christian in the head really hard)  
  
Raven: Who the hell?! (looks at Test) I know that Christian thinks he's Molly, but what the HELL is he?  
  
Test: RAAARRGG ARRRRRRURRRUUUUUUAAGGHH!! (drools slightly)  
  
Lance: ...I think he's the Big Show. (Spritzes Test in the face with Rico's hair spray and slaps him) There! ...where'd Christian go?  
  
Test: As long as he's a Diva, I think we should call him Christina.  
  
Raven: ...no, Test. (Points down a hall) He went that way! I'll go look for Jeff. You two find your Canadian.  
  
Lance: Right!  
  
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In the Hardyz's locker room...  
  
Jeff: (Dressed like Lita) Hmm... (suddenly pulls thong up) Aahh...that looks right! (Flips hair) Hm...where's my Mattie at? (In a sing-song voice) Ooooh, Maaaa-aaaatt! Matty-boy, wheeeeere aaaare yooo-ooou?  
  
Matt: (walks in) Jeff, is that - (sees his brother) ...why the hell are you wearing my girlfriend's clothes?!  
  
Jeff: *squeal* MATTIE! (starts trying to kiss Matt, making kissy noises but being held back by his brother)  
  
Matt: What the Hell?!  
  
Lita: (walks in, staring oddly at her teamate and boyfriend) ...y'know, I'm gonna leave this room...and when I come back after the show, I want you to be normal again. 'Kay, Matt? Love ya! (quickly runs out)  
  
Raven: (Busts in) HA! Give me your brother! (Pries Jeff away from Matt, running away with him)  
  
Jeff: EEK! Mattie, saaaave meeeeeeee!!  
  
Raven: (Observes Jeff's style of dressing for the moment) You sure ain't acting very much like Lita. Oh, well, you've got the making out with Matt part down..  
  
Matt: ...even though Jeff is weird, I probably should still save him from Raven. The things I do for my crazy baby brother! (runs off)  
  
Lita: (walks back in) ...that's not what I meant!  
  
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In Chris Jericho's locker room...  
  
Jericho: (listening to FOZZY's new CD, Happenstance [which is out everywhere July 30th *plug plug*] on his headphones) *hums along quietly*   
  
Christian: (runs in, slamming the door shut behind him)  
  
Jericho: Huh? (takes headphones off) Christian, look, I've been wondering? About that bra and panty match thing...umm, you feelin' okay, man?  
  
Christian: (Narrows eyes at Jericho, giving a confused look)  
  
Jericho: Umm..Christian?  
  
Christian: Sore wa nan desu ka?! Boku no namae wa Tajiri desu yo!!  
  
Jericho: ...it's a good thing I can speak a small amount of Japanese... Umm...let's see if I can remember what 'What's wrong' is..umm, Christian, doshitan desu ka?  
  
Christian: BOKU WA TAJIRI DESU YO!!!  
  
Jericho: Eh...? Demo...(points over at mirror)  
  
Christian: Ehh? (looks at mirror) Boku wa..?!  
  
Jericho: Christian desu yo!  
  
Test: Umm..konychiwa, or something.  
  
Lance: Your pronunciation of Japanese is terrible! It's 'konnichi wa!'  
  
Test: Yeah, whatever. (Uses the 'Big Boot', but Christian utilizes the cruiser-weight fastness he thinks he has, and yet, does have...spooky)  
  
Christian: Ha ha ha! Boku wa atama ga ii desu ne! Test no atama ga yokunai desu yo! (looks at Test and Lance, who have seated themselves next to Jericho on a bench) ...Buta wa benchi no ue ni imasu!! (begins to run off, but is tripped by Jericho) Shimatta! (hits head on ground)  
  
Lance: (quickly spritzes Christian with Rico's hairspray) There, he should be fixed...  
  
Raven: Unless he's been overexposed to it, like Jeffie, here. (shifts the weight of Jeff on his shoulder)  
  
Test: What are you talking aboot?  
  
Raven: The fact that our hairspray trick didn't work on Mr. Hardy.  
  
Lance: What? We can't let that happen to Christian!   
  
Raven: I thought it would be funny if you did, but you DO have a point...I GUESS we should ask Rico if he has anything stronger.  
  
Christian: (snatches a pair of sunglasses out of Jericho's duffle bag, pokes out the lenses and puts them on) GET THE TABLES!!!! (does the 3D sign)  
  
(There's a looooong pause, as everyone is absolutely silent, save Christian, who id doing every thing that's ever been included in Buh Buh's gimmick)   
  
Raven: ... ... ... (whaps Christian)  
  
Lance: Thank you.  
  
Christian: ...ughh...(falls over, most likely knocked out from the countless times he's been hit in the head)  
  
Lance: Now, let's go back to Rico's locker room, I'm certain the key to overcoming this crisis lies in hair products!!  
  
(Test, Lance and Raven rush out, carrying Jeff and Christian)  
  
Jericho: ...could someone tell me what's going on..?  
  
  
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Whooooo-hooo!!!! Soon, the follow-up to all this will be completed...err, btw, was my Japanese good? I've only taken Japanese 1, so my knowledge of the language is neither good nor expanded.See you all next time... 


	3. Hotel Shinanigins - Pt. 3

Random Madness  
By The Ripperette  
  
  
*******NOTES******  
  
*eyes tear up* ...In nearly one year on FanFiction.net...never have I seen so many happy reviews on my own story! I...I love you guys!! (wipes eyes)  
  
Now we'll have a whole new playground, as our boys take it out of the arena (For now, I liked that Christian is Lillian thingie), and into the wide and wild world of salons and hair-products!!! Stay tooned....  
  
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After the show, as our heroes drive...  
  
  
  
Lance: Okay, Rico gave me a list of places that sell this hair stuff...we need to find one quick, like within ten minutes, because; One, (rattles hair spray bottle), we're almost out, and two...  
  
Raven: Not many places are open past 8 pm?  
  
Test: Raven's hair needs better care-products?  
  
Jericho: The red dye on my hair is running out?  
  
Lance: Err, well, those are all great reasons, but what I REALLY mean is the fact that they think they're Lesnar and The Rock again.  
  
Test, Raven and Jericho: Ooohh...  
  
(Everyone looks to the back of the big Mini-Van, only to see Jeff spouting catch-phrases and Christian attempting to bite off Jeff's ear)  
  
Test: Are you sure he doesn't think he's Mike Tyson?  
  
Raven: If my calculations are correct, they can only think they're other wrestlers.  
  
Jericho: What calculations?  
  
Raven: (Opens mouth to say something, pauses to look around nervously and then clams up)  
  
Jericho: *sigh* Well, where's the nearest hair place?  
  
Test: I don't know. Lance does.  
  
Jericho: That's who I was asking!!!  
  
Lance: (looking at list) ...I just realized something!!  
  
All ('Cept Jeff and Christian): Huh?  
  
Lance: We're in California, and this is a list of places for TAMPA!!!  
  
Test: We can't get to Tampa in 10 minutes!!!  
  
Raven: THAT'S NOT THE POINT!! (Hits Test in the head with a trash can lid)  
  
Lance: YOU IDIOT!!!!! (Swerves car into a parking place) How are we supposed to be successful in out mission to return them back to their normal mental state....  
  
Test: HOW DO YOU LIKE ME NOW?!?!??!  
  
Lance: ...WHEN TEST KEEPS CONFUSING HIMSELF WITH HARDCORE HOLLY? (Suddenly turns calm, spritzes Test with the last of the hairspray, shakes it to see if there's anything left, and them throws it at Test) AND NOW WE'RE OUT OF HAIRSPRAY AND THE ONLY KNOWN PLACE THAT CARRIES IT IS IN TAMPA!! (Pauses to breath)  
  
Jericho: (takes empty bottle, opens door, gets out of car while they are arguing)  
  
Test: Yeah, what's that all aboot?  
  
Lance: Shut up, Test.  
  
Test: Oh...okay.  
  
Jericho: (gets back in the car)  
  
Lance: And where have you been?  
  
Jericho: (Places empty bottle back in Lance's drink holder, and places a plastic bag full of bottles in Test's lap) They didn't carry the hairpray, so I got the de-tangler. Same thing, right?  
  
Test: Bless you! (Grabs a bottle and starts spraying his over-stiffened hair)  
  
Raven: Gimme! (Snatches it away) My dreadlocks feel like rope!!  
  
Test: (Grabs bottle back) It looks like it too! Wait your turn!!!  
  
Lance: *sighs* But we don't know if it has the same effect on curing the...diseeeaaase!  
  
Christian: *Grunt!* (Grabs the empty bottle and whaps Jeff in the head)  
  
Jeff: Augh! Hey, I'm a living legend, you monkey!!! (Takes bottle from Christian, only to whap him in the head)  
  
Christian: (Half-sells the bottle-shot, as if it didn't really hurt) Boay, you ain't showin' me nuff respect. I don't like that!! (Grabs the empty bottle and whaps Jeff in the head AGAIN)  
  
Jeff: Ugh! That is so totally not awesome, you barfoid! (Takes bottle from Christian a second time, only to whap him in the head...a second time)  
  
Christian: Ow! (slight southern accent) You, I'm gonna show you what it is to be Xtreme! (Starts to hit Jeff, but is stopped by Raven, who managed to crawl really fast to the back of the car)  
  
Raven: STOP!!! YOU'RE DRIVING ME CRAZY!! (Takes bottle away) You guys will have to live with each other!!  
  
Jeff: (Looks at Christian) Psh!!  
  
Christian: Duhh...extreme?  
  
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At the Hotel Lobby....  
  
  
  
  
Lance: Okay, we can't let them stay in the same room. They hate each other. If we could just make Christian think he's a heel!!  
  
Test: Which Christian: Jeff thinking he's Christian, or Christian thinking he's Jeff?  
  
Lance: Umm..I...er..Christian, Jeff, Christian Christian Jeff...AAAAHHH!!! (Breaks down and starts crying)  
  
Raven: (Pats Lance on the shoulder) *sigh* (Shakes head at Test)  
  
Test: Tch...so what? C'mon, Christian, let's go. (walks off)  
  
Lance: AAHHHH, CHRISTIAN CHRISTIAN JEFF, JEFFY-JEFF-CHRISSY CHRISTIAN JEFFTIAN CHRIFF! AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!! (Hugs Raven, crying on his shoulder)  
  
Jeff: Psh...whatever! (Follows Test)  
  
Jericho: I think all this silliness is too much for Lance. Raven, me and Lance are gonna get a hotel room. Find a way to make Christian a heel so he'll share a hotel room with one of us...cuase, he's a face right now, and, uhh...faces don't share rooms with heels. (Pats Lance on the shoulder, and leads him off)  
  
Lance: *sniffle* Jericho?   
  
Jericho: I'm still Jericho, buddy, don't worry...(Gets hugged, much to his chagrin)  
  
Raven: (looks at Christian) ...(whaps him on the temple)   
  
Christian: *blinks* ...(sees Raven) ...(suddenly starts laughing like a maniac, zooms behind him and locks in the Tazzmission)  
  
Raven: AUGH! W-What..*cough* ...are you...*gag* DOING?! (Struggles, trying to hit Christian in the head, but can't quite reach)  
  
Christian: HAHAAAAHAHAAAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA, JUST ANUDDAH VICTIM!!!  
  
Raven: (Grabs a tray from a passing waiter, utilizing it to hit Christain, who releases him from the Tazzmission) *gag, couch, BREATH!!!*  
  
Christian: I...ugh...(falls over)   
  
RAven: ...(looks around, only to be stared at by a bunch of people) ...Heh, heh heh heh...(Picks up Christian, slinging him over a shoulder) ...ahem...(steps up to the room registry counter) ...We need a room.  
  
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In Test and Jeff's Room...  
  
  
  
  
Test: (checks himself out in mirror) Heh heh...you stud... (Points at reflection, smiling cheesily) Ladies? (Vogues again) ...eat your hearts out!!  
  
Jeff: *mumbles something* Test, where's my toothbrush?  
  
Test: Uhh...*suddenly holds back a smile* ...in Christian's...err...YOUR luggage.   
  
Jeff: Umm...*looks at Test strangly* ...ooooh-kaaay...(Gets "his" toothbrush out of "Christian's" [nudge nudge, wink wink] luggage, then walks into the bathroom)  
  
Test: Heh...(looks at camera) Jeff's using Christian's toothbrush, for those of you who didn't get the joke...heehee..Christian's toothbrush is gonna have Jeff-germs next time he uses it...(pauses) What's this all aboot? The hell's a camera doing in my hotel room?   
  
(The view looks like it's a camera-angle being dragged out, and suddenly is watching Test slam the door)  
  
Test: (from inside hotel room) Pervert!  
  
(We kind of watch the door for a minute. The number C-13 is printed on with golden letters. The sound of someone sighing is heard, and we turn in time to see Raven draggind a still-unconscious Christian up the stairs)   
  
Raven: ....ugh...stupid elevator...out of commission...of all the luck.. I'll bet that fat-ass Test broke it...guh...(sees camera)...oh, hey!! ...I was wondering where you went. Everything okay?  
  
(We see Raven through the POV of someone nodding)  
  
RAven: Oh...cool. (Checks his key, and drags Christian over to the door by the ankle) Umm...(looks to camera) This's me...they said there's only one room left, and I'd have to share it...but, hey, I'm sure a strange crazy blond guy who thinks he's someone else shouldn't be too hard to explain...(unlocks door, and walks in) G"night! (waves to camera, drags Christian in, door shuts)  
  
Test: (from inside hotel room) What's this all aboot?  
  
Raven: (from inside hotel room) Huh...Test? I have to share a room with you two?  
  
Jeff: (from inside hotel room) Huh? SHARE a two bed room, with four people? Total conspiracy! Unfair! Unfair!   
  
(sounds of a temper-tantrum sound, as the camera angle pans to show Jericho and Lance walking throught the hall, looking at their key tag)  
  
Jericho: ...Let's see, C-13...(walks up to THE DOOR and unlocks it, walking in, followed closely by Lance)  
  
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In THE HOTEL ROOM...   
  
  
  
  
(There is a long silence.)  
  
Lance: ...*sniffles* (tugs on Jericho's sleeve, whimpering and pointing from Christian to Jeff, before looking at Jericho)   
  
Jericho: (Pats Lance on the back, and looks to Raven)  
  
Raven: (Is absent-mindedly toying with his hair, re-brading it and such) ...? (notices Jericho's look. Looks at Jeff)  
  
Jeff: (Scoffs. throws a mini-tantrum, slamming his hand on the bedside he's sitting on, before looking at Test)  
  
Test: (Looks at himself in the mirror, still checking himself out...blows his reflection a kiss...makes 'I love you, you complete me' motions with his hands...mouths the words "No, I love YOU!"...awws at himself...)  
  
Jeff: (Looks to Christian)  
  
Christian: (With hair down, dressed in a towel ala Val Venis) ...*cough* (Looks at Raven)  
  
Raven: I was a better Val.  
  
Lance: (points from Jeff to Christian) Jerifftain?  
  
Jericho: Shh, it's okay, Lance, just shut the hell up.  
  
Lance: ..okay.  
  
Christian: ...well, this would be fine if you were attractive ladies, buuut..... (shifts towel) ...umm, where's stuff?  
  
Test: (giggles, and points over to Christian's luggage)  
  
Christian: (Looks through bag) ...umm, where's my toothbrush?  
  
Test: (starts laughing really hard)  
  
Jericho: Well, I get this bed because I'm a living legend, and Lance has suffered severe emotional and mental trauma, so he gets the other one.  
  
Raven: Okay, I get Lance getting the bed, but I'm not only a legend of ECW, but I am a hardcore icon!!  
  
Christian: (Suddenly turns around, towel still in place) You wanna talk about 'hardcore icons'?  
  
Test: I'm prettier than all of you! I should get the other one.  
  
Jeff: No! It should be me! ME! ME! ME! ME! ME! ME! (throws another temper-tantrum, falling to the floor) ...*pant, pant*  
  
Lance: *sniffles again* ..can someone stay in the bed with me?  
  
Jericho: ...*sighs* Fine, I've been through worse...you guys can fight over the other one.  
  
Christian: ...(raises an eyebrow) I'm gonna brush my teeth now...  
  
Test: (laughs so hard he starts crying)  
  
Christian: ...and I, uhh...(looks at Test) ...want the bed...(watches at Test falls over, holding his sides in laughter) ...when I get back...(walks into bathroom)  
  
Raven: I'm sane, so I get to go into the sane people bed. (falls backwards across the foot of Jericho and Lance's bed)  
  
Test: Umm...whatever. (gets into the other bed)  
  
Jeff: Tch...FINE! (crawls into the other side of the bed)  
  
Jericho: Good night, Lance.   
  
Lamce: Night, Chris..g'night, Raven.  
  
Raven: See you in the morning, Storm. Test, I hate you.  
  
Test: Good night, Raven...hey...  
  
Jeff: Good night, Test.  
  
(Jeff leans out of the bed and turns off the lamp)  
  
Christian: (From inside bathroom) Hey, someone's been using my toothbrush!!!  
  
Test: (Starts laughing like a horse)  
  
Jericho: ...I'm never gonna get any sleep, am I?   
  
Lance: ...Chriffja?  
  
Raven: I don't wanna go to the house show tomarrow...  
  
Jericho: There's a house show?!  
  
Raven: Yup.  
  
(And the night continued, none of the poor people ('cept Test) getting any sleep, but comments like this carrying on through-out the night...)  
  
Jericho: I can't feel my feet, fat-ass!  
  
Raven: I'm not a fat-ass! Not my fault I have no where else to sleep!  
  
Lance: ...how many Christians are there on the moon?  
  
Jericho: None that can breath, Lance.  
  
Test: *snores loudly, rolling over on top of Jeff)  
  
Jeff: Augh! My lungs! (tries to push Test off of himself, fails. Attempts a temper-tantrum, fails. Sobs quietly)  
  
Christian: You have all the covers!!  
  
(The two Canadians and the Lord of Depression and self-induced pain sat, unable to sleep, thinking to themselves, 'Hey, it couldn't get any worse than today...  
  
...could it?')  
  
  
THE END OF PART THREE!!!  
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Yay! Intermission chapter! Just my chance to write what I wanted...I'll save any more requests for the next house show, and the good ones for RAW! And our boys still have five days until Monday...will they find a cure for Jeff and Christian, or will they be stuck in personaltiy limbo, forcing Ripperette to forever write new chapters? I sure hope not, this is hard to think of...R&R!!! 


	4. Random Madness/The author's brain just d...

Random Madness  
By The Ripperette  
  
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Well, during the next night's house show, the Canadian Contingent (And Raven and Jeff) had a night thet weren't going to forget soon. On account of yet another few shots to the head, there was an interesting Paddle on a Pole Bra and Panties triple threat match earlier in the night between Jeff (Trish), Christian (Stacy), and, interestingly enough, Test (Hardcore Holly).   
  
And now, the rest of the night continued...  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
At the curtain...  
  
Test: (Getting dragged behind the curtain by Jericho and Lance, while attempting to pose seductively) HOW DO YOU LIKE MY PANTIES NOW?!  
  
Jericho: (Whaps Test in the head)  
  
Lance: (Quickly sprays Test with the detangler)  
  
Test: (Stares blankly)  
  
Jericho: ...is he okay?   
  
Lance: Umm..right now, I'm just hoping he hasn't been over-exposed to Jeff's hair stuff.  
  
Test: (pulls some old chewing gum off of the underside of a chair) Heyy, gum! (pops it in his mouth and begins chewing)  
  
Lance: (Stares in horror)  
  
Jericho: My God, he's Tommy Dreamer, isn't he?  
  
Lance: NOOO! NOT TEST! WHY DID THEY TAKE TEST?  
  
Raven: You sprayed him with a bottle of water.  
  
Lance: ...huh?  
  
Raven: Jeff thought he was Doink, and tried to make a seltzer bottle. (Sprays Test with the REAL detangler and then whaps him one)  
  
Test: (Blinks) ...(pauses, chews for a minute) ...hey, I got gum!  
  
Jericho: (grimace) Well, he's not Tommy Dreamer anymore, but he still is an idiot..that Test!  
  
Lance: Well, I still don't know what to do about Christian or Jeff.  
  
Raven: Maybe if we injected the detangler straight into their bloodstream...  
  
(Everyone slowly looks at Raven)  
  
Raven: ...y'knoow. With needles?  
  
Test: ...(looks down, at his foot, tapping it slightly, and then shifting uncomfortably, a look of confusement on his face)  
  
Lance: ...that's it. (Grabs Christian by the ear and drags him to a mirror) WHAT DO YOU SEE?!?!!  
  
Christian: (looks thoughtfully at mirror) Umm...(stares harder)  
  
Jericho: Don't do that, he thinks he's Keibler! Wait until he has a brain to think with!!  
  
Lance: (Gives Jericho a glare)  
  
Jericho: ...Oh, yeah, Christian himself has no brain...  
  
Test: Uhh...guys?  
  
Raven: (Not hearing Test, who goes on unheard in the background) Seriously...I have some needles. All I need is an IV so we can get it in their bloodstream.  
  
Lance: Is that really necessary?  
  
Jericho: I don't think that's such a great idea...I mean..  
  
Raven: What do you mean? It's a great idea!!  
  
Test: (In background, uncomfortably clicking his heel against the ground)   
  
Lance: Well, it says to not get product in eyes, rinse if that occurs, and call for help if ingested, and here we are spraying it in their faces to make them inhale it!!!   
  
Test: THERE'S A SNAKE IN MY BOOTS!!!  
  
(Everyone suddenly turns to watch Test hop around on one foot, as he took his boot off, and he is now holding some form of snake in one hand and his boot in the other. The snake hisses loudly.)  
  
Raven: ....  
  
Lance: ....  
  
Jericho: ...(looks around, and discreetly socks Christian in the back of the head)  
  
Christian: (Blinks, sees himself in the mirror, and begins to straighten his hair)   
  
Jeff: EEEK!! SNAKE!! KYAAAHH!! (Runs into a wall, knocking himself unconcsious...again)  
  
Edge: (Slowly watches all the chaos unfold) Ooooohh...kaaayy...(We hear his music cue up in the arena, and he quickly walks around them) ...(Pauses to look back at them) ...you know, you need help.  
  
Raven: ...help? (Looks at Christian, who baby-talks his reflection fondly) ...hmmm....  
  
Test: AAAHHHHH SNAAAAAAAAAAAKKE!!!!  
  
Lance: I didn't even know you could pronounce the word 'snake' if you put two 'k's in...  
  
Jericho: Huh? Lance, what the Hell are you talking about?  
  
Lance: Oh, nothing...have we all gotten our matches out of the way?  
  
Jericho: (sigh) I think so.  
  
Lance: Well, then let's go...back...to...(wince) ...our hotel room....  
  
Raven: I HAVE A PLAN!!!!  
  
Jericho and Lance: (pause. they both look at each other, baring expressions of utter fear and unrest)  
  
Raven: Where's Rico?!  
  
Jericho: ...now I know it's REALLY bad.  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
Our poor, poor doomed Superstars are standing outside of a door   
  
Raven: All righty, we're here! One of you knock.  
  
Lance: Us? Why not you?  
  
Raven: Because he hates me.  
  
Lance: Ugh...you?! He hates me more than you! I insult his home country week in and week out!!  
  
Jericho: (In a disdainful tone) Well, don't look at me, I'M a 'pompous ass' according to his royal fatness!! (scoffs) Telling ME to get a tan on my lower body? Well, he should try this wonderful thing called exercise!!  
  
Christian: (In odd high voice, braiding Jeff's hair into pigtails) Who are we looking for again?  
  
Jeff: Where's my headband?  
  
Lance: (Looks at Christian and Jeff angrily) WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?!?!?!  
  
Christian: ...*sniffle*  
  
JR: (Suddenly busts out of door) NMAH GAWD! IN 25 YEARS, I HAVE NEVER SEEN ANYTHIN' LAIK THEEIS, KEENG!!!  
  
The King: Whoo-hoo, puppies!! HAHAHAHAA!! I love RAW!!!  
  
JR: SCALDED DOG! BOOGER RED!!!  
  
Raven: (Pushed forward by others) Umm...Hi, Mr Ross!! How are you today?  
  
JR: Well, I'm just dandy, but OH MY GAWD, JERRY THE KEENG LAWLER IS NUTTIER THAN A PET COON!!  
  
Christian: (tugs on Jericho's shirt) What's a 'coon'?  
  
Jericho: Shoosh! (Whaps Christian, then curses inwardly as Christian freaks, grabbing a bag and putting it over his head)  
  
Raven: Umm...can you, uh...tell us where to...  
  
JR: BRADSHAW IS A HORSE!! MY GAWD!!  
  
Raven: ...to find...  
  
King: Woo-hoo! Puppies!! Hahaha!!  
  
Raven: ...find Rico...  
  
JR: OH MY GAWD!! Calm down, Keeeng!!  
  
Raven: ...*sob*...*cough*...*whimper*...*hiccup*...(hugs Test and cries uncontrolably onto his shoulder)  
  
Test: (Is unable to talk as there is a snake coiled around his face)  
  
Jeff: (crying) My pigtails came undone!! Jericho, you braid your hair, finish my other pigtail!  
  
Jericho: Hey, you BBQ-loving fatass! Where's Rico?!  
  
JR: NMAH GAWD! IN NEARLY 25 YEARS IN THIS BUSINESS, NO ONE HAS HAD THE AUDACITY TO CALL ME A FATASS TO MY FACE!!!  
  
Jerry: Rico? Why do you wanna find Rico?  
  
Jericho: Because he's the only man that can save us!!  
  
Jerry: Uhh...he left the arena already!!   
  
All ('cept JR, King Christian Jeff and Raven: WHAT?!  
  
Jerry: We just gave him a little time off so he can tend to some business back home!  
  
(Silence, with our not-so-merry crew staring at JR and King. They sigh, shake their heads, and leave, back to their hotel room)  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
Back at the accursed hotel room B-13  
  
  
Raven: (Sitting bored, repeatedly hitting Christian in the head, making him utter catch-phrases)  
  
Test: Where's Jericho?  
  
Lance: He went to a Fozzy show. You know his weird Moongoose McQueen obsession.  
  
Test: ...I'm hungry...I'm gonna go get something to eat. (Leaves)  
  
Christian: Just anotha VICTUM!!!  
  
Raven: (Freaks out, grabbing a nearby frying pan and denting it against Christian's skull)  
  
Lance: (After watching Raven freak out) Test...wait for me...!  
  
Raven: (Sighs) I want someone who can understand me...  
  
Christian: What about me?  
  
Raven: ...(looks at Christian like he's an angel) ...what did you just say?  
  
Christian: I SAID, what about me? What about...  
  
(Raven joins in on cue)  
  
Raven and Christian: ..RAVEN?!  
  
(There's a long pause, as the two give each other an odd look. However, they both realize that as of right now, they're eachother's only friend. They quickly hug.)  
  
Christian: Finally! Someone who will only be my friend - not another would-be ally, but a true FRIEND!!!  
  
Raven: A co-host, not only in my evil talk-show of life, but someone who will assist me in all of my evil...  
  
Raven and Christian: FOREVER!!!  
  
(Both of them laugh on cue, as we fade...)  
  
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In a small cafe, somewhere in the area...  
  
  
Lance: I can's take much more of this...I think if I hear Christian utter some other thing that he would never say and is only saying because he under hair-product influence one more time, I'm going to SNAP!! And if you turn into Hardcore Holly again, I'll be sick!!  
  
Small child: Are you Lance Storm?  
  
Lance: Oh..(smiles) ..are you a wrestling fan?  
  
Small Child: (nods)  
  
Test: Hey, scram, brat!   
  
Lance: Be nice to him! (leans down by kid) Did you have something you wanna say?  
  
Small Child: Canada sucks!! (runs off)  
  
Lance: ...  
  
Test: What's that all aboot?  
  
(Lance does a double-take out the window as he sees Raven and Christian walking down the street, dressed exactly alike)  
  
Lance: ...the question is, what is THAT all aboot...er...about?  
  
  
THE END????????????????  
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OMG! What is Raven thinking? Umm...you tell me? I don't know - I can't write this anymore! What is Raven planning - YOU decide! Yeah, you! What are you looking forward to? I'll pick my favorite, so make it juicy with extra ketchup!! Where did Jericho and Jeff go? Does Test have a fetish with Hardcore Holly he's not telling us 'aboot'? OH MY GOD! PLEASE HELP! I NEED A VACATION, AND SCHOOL STARTS IN A WEEK! MY BRAAAAIN!! ...plz read and review... 


End file.
